Parallel process

You are not talking to me!

Ever had a slightly weird feeling that someone talking to you is not actually dealing with you but with someone else. If so, you probably been on the receiving end of some 'transference'. Its a term that cover a myriad of situations, but refers in essence to when someone plays out a past relationship or way of relating in the present situation. So for example, its the phenomenon that explains why grown men suddenly start behaving like school children in the training room, just as if they were suddenly back at school. They are taking how they used to behave and transferring it into present situation - usually inappropriately!

Counter transference is when you start responding back - ie playing the role that has been assigned you. So if you have ever seen a trainer get all 'school-marmy' on you,then they are probably in the grip of some counter-transference.

Why does this all matter to coach? Well if you are interested in keeping your communication clear and open then you can easily see how this stuff could murky the waters. So if your coachee suddenly starts putting you on a pedestal .. and you would quite like them to ... check out if there isn't something else going on and take it straight to supervision.

Talking to the void

You may have noticed a drop off in my regular flow of blogs - I have all the usual excuses .. too much to do, working away, living in hotels, a new computer etc. But truth be told I've become a little dispirited of late with my blogging as its become a bit too much like talking to the 'void' .. putting out your thoughts into cyberspace with little or no feedback. Net result a tail off.,

Now I don't think I'm alone in this. Too many of us work in organisation where we get little or no feedback. It gets so we'd rather hear something, even if it is negative, rather than nothing. Net result .. a gradual disillusionment and disengagement from the organisation.

In my experience, really excellent organisations have mastered the art of 'little and often' feedback, telling people what they are doing right as well as what they are doing wrong as they go along.  Net result .. mistakes get corrected quickly and the positives get reinforced, but best of all we feel like we matter.

So would it really be so hard to press the 'like' button?

Tread on my dreams lightly

I am a big fan of Ken Robinson  - author, speaker and adviser to government on education. Knighted in 2003,  he is also a naturally funny man. If you've never seen him action, watch this TED talk to get an idea of his talents:

His passion is how we crush passion and creativity out of children, with our education system deselecting anyone who dreams of doing anything other than going to college. Robinson wants to see a revolution in education where the diverse talents and aspirations of all our kids are nurtured. Quoting Yeats, Robinson suggests that we routinely trample on each others dreams, and that we should learn to 'tread lightly'.

I'm sure it is not just kids who have their dreams trampled on. Working as a coach I meet far too many people who are disconnected from their aspirations to the point of being afraid to have any dreams. Somewhere along the line it just becomes too tough to hang on to them. So next time you hear someone talk about their ambitions don't just mock... maybe listening to them might just spark something special.

Coaching across cultures

A fascinating conversation today about coaching people from different cultures. We all had examples to share about different cultural norms - do all Italians need to talk volubly and gesticulate, do all Turks wander off in meetings, and do all Brits speak indirectly and use sarcasm to express their real feelings? Or are these just lazy stereotypes that we hide behind rather than see the individuality of the person in front of us?

Whether we know it or not, we all see the world through a particular perspective, conditioned in part by our cultural norms, and in part by our own personality types and experience. Usually that perspective is invisible to us - we inhabit our own assumptions and beliefs - and it is only when we meet a different norm that we realise how different our own world-view is. A good case for working with a coach from a different culture perhaps?

Philip Rosinski has done some interesting work on what he terms 'cultural orientations'. These are differing cultural assumptions which vary from culture to culture e.g how power is held or shared etc. If you have 5 minutes take Philip's (free) questionnaire if you want to find out more about your own cultural orientation.

Who takes the notes?

A small bug bear of mine is 'who takes the notes in coaching relationship?'  An apparently small point I'd admit, but for me says a lot about power in the relationship and who is actually holding responsibility and ownership.

During a session many line managers I meet feel compelled to take notes because they believe they can't hold all the detail or that they will miss something vital. Fair enough if this so, but please, please, tell your coachees what you are doing as a minimum and even better if you give them your notes at the end of the session. Still better is learning to without notes altogether and giving your coachees you full and undivided attention - you can always capture your thoughts after the session.

At the end of the coaching session there is also a tendency for the manager/coach to take down the action points and agreement, perhaps sending them on shortly by email. For me this sends the message that the manager/coach is in charge and therefore responsible for the actions, as opposed to the coachee. If we believe that coaching is about increasing ownership and responsibility then this send out completely the wrong message. Far better to get the coachee to capture their own learning and action points.

So.. who takes the notes in your coaching sessions

Watch out for burn-out - issues in coaching

None of us are machines - despite our increasingly 24/7 lifestyles, all of us can only manage so much. A pattern I notice in clients is an expectation that the 'should' be able to manage all the demands on them. Rather than challenge the reasonableness of such demands the tendency is to 'soldier on'.

Which brings me to the topics of burnout - work for too hard and for too long we will succumb. Not good for us as individuals, those that love us, or the organisations we work in. It's therefore essential that coaches have an understanding of the early signs when working with over stretched clients:

• Phase of big illusions - believing that we can change the world. Work becomes life.
• Phase of frustration - placing too high expectations on ourselves leads to disappointment. We start to resent sacrificing our personal life, perhaps health problems start to niggle.
• Phase of decreased vitality - we start to feel everything is a burden, we don't have time for play or personal development
• Phase of apathy - work loses its meaning

Now of course it's not just clients that can burnout....