You are not talking to me!

Ever had a slightly weird feeling that someone talking to you is not actually dealing with you but with someone else. If so, you probably been on the receiving end of some 'transference'. Its a term that cover a myriad of situations, but refers in essence to when someone plays out a past relationship or way of relating in the present situation. So for example, its the phenomenon that explains why grown men suddenly start behaving like school children in the training room, just as if they were suddenly back at school. They are taking how they used to behave and transferring it into present situation - usually inappropriately!

Counter transference is when you start responding back - ie playing the role that has been assigned you. So if you have ever seen a trainer get all 'school-marmy' on you,then they are probably in the grip of some counter-transference.

Why does this all matter to coach? Well if you are interested in keeping your communication clear and open then you can easily see how this stuff could murky the waters. So if your coachee suddenly starts putting you on a pedestal .. and you would quite like them to ... check out if there isn't something else going on and take it straight to supervision.

From armour plating to string vest .

Fascinating conversation this morning about our relationship with feedback.

I was talking to George, a newly appointed sales coach, who had been on something of a roller-coaster of self-discovery and we were talking about his journey from loathing feedback to loving it.. well at least being more acceptant of it.

"Every time I went into the boss's office I'd be expecting a rollicking so I'd put on my armour plating and anything he said would just ping off me". For George, the relationship with his boss was too similar to his relationship with his headmaster and it came as a bit of revelation that he might be transferring the associations and feelings of this old relationship onto his relationship with his boss. "I was going in there expecting to be 'told off' and made to feel like a schoolboy again - actually, when I opened up a bit, my boss had some really useful things to say, and even the critical bits didn't smart too much".

While George had make great strides to opening up to feedback he still felt there would always be a bit of him that he would need to protect "It's a bit like string vest now - there are holes to let the arrows through, but I am still covered up".

So how do you receive feedback - armour plated or string vest?