Paradox of feedback

I spend a fair amount of time taking to leaders about how they and others see themselves on the back of 360 degree feedback (aka multi-rater feedback). In general terms people seem to fall into three broad comps: firstly there are those who have an over-inflated view of themselves relative to others, secondly, the 'under-inflaters', and lastly, those whose self image aligns pretty closely to others.

The 'over' and 'under-inflaters 'give coaches different challenges:  'over-inflaters' often selectively pick up on positive messages that confirm their self-perception, rationalising away contrary messages. The coaching role is therefore to 'hold up the mirror' squarely and robustly to let a more balanced message in. For 'under-inflaters ' the coaches role is reverse, helping the client see a more positive and rounded view of themselves even if they cling to a negative view.

These reactions can be neatly explained with an understanding of the 'self-consistency' and 'self-enhancement' motives - terms coined by social psychologist Dr Roy Baumeister. We all need a consistent or enduring sense of ourselves, and some of us need to feel we are better than the next man (or woman). For those with inflated self-esteem both motives apply, whereas for those with low self-esteem the consistency motive wins out - its less anxiety provoking to believe bad things as long as it is the same things!.

So as coaches we have an interesting paradox to contend with when debriefing 360 feedback - instead of increasing self knowledge and awareness we may inadvertently help people confirm their existing (erroneous) self-image rather than challenging it. Coaches need to have their wits about them to spot the give away signs and be prepared for some challenging conversations!

Listening for the assumption - skills of coaching

One of the least useful pieces of advice I was given in my early career as a manager was 'Don't assume". Surely if I'd know I was assuming I wouldn't have done it! Assumptions are almost by definition outside of our awareness - they are simply the water we swim in. We develop habits of mind as well as habits of action, as a way of short cutting life's routines. After all, if we had to re-decide all our decisions everyday, including which side of the bed to get of, we really wouldn't get much done. However many of our assumptions - our habits of mind -  as well as being invisible, are simply outdated, have ceased to serve us and need revision.

On our own it is often very difficult to see what is an assumption and what is fact, so one of the more useful ways a coach can serve us is to help us see our assumptions afresh and give us the chance to do a bit of much needed rewriting.

We've all probably been taught about active or deep listening - and many of us have got very good at this. However an under-developed skill in coaching I believe is 'listening for the assumption'. I have been surprised how many times in my coaching practice the real shift often comes when we can surface and explore the nature of the assumptions that are being made by the client.

Using 'provocation' in coaching - coaching skills

Just come back from an interesting talk given by Sue Knight, doyen of NLP coaching. Sue's topic was 'coaching with humour' but what she really was talking about was using provocation in coaching. Sue made a convincing case that asking the provoking question - playing  the devils advocate - should be a legitimate tool in our coaching armoury.

Clients presumably come to coaching to make some change or improvement in their lives... and that often means mixing things up a bit. A provocative question, delivered deftly with humour and a twinkle in the eye, may take clients into new territories and firm their resolve to act. "What makes you think you've got what it takes... why should anyone listen to you... how long are you willing to tolerate this?" . Tone, as you can imagine, is everything.

Like any powerful 'technique', provocation need to be used with great care, and only when there is enough rapport and relationship between coach and client. In the wrong hands, or badly timed, the provocative question could come across as uncaring or just plain rude. Sue also challenged us to think about what questions we wouldn't ask a client and therefore what limits we might be unnecessarily imposing on the work together. Provocative indeed.

Immediacy - advanced coaching skills

Immediacy is not a word you hear bandied about much in coaching circles, but is a skill I find characterises many experienced and effective coaches. Immediacy refers the ability of a coach to use their 'here and now' experience of the coachee as data in service of the client. This covers a broad spectrum including what the coach hears and sees in the coachee as well the coaches own sensations, curiosities and feelings.

An example might help - suppose the coach notices the client always refers to their boss with an ironic laugh. The coaches' intervention then might be something like 'I notice you laugh every time you mention your boss, could you say a little more about what is going on for you...?'   Equally, the coach might pick up a sense of unease when talking with a client which could be shared as 'I'm feeling a little  uneasy as we talk about ...., is that the same for you?'

Key to the use of this skill is firstly, selectivity and secondly, tentativeness.  I would only use my perceptions of the client if I thought they were relevant to the issues at hand and only if I had more than one example to share -- i.e.. a pattern. I would also make sure I offered them in a tentative, provisional way rather than as a judgement. This can involve taking a risk, but I have found that this sort of intervention is often invaluable and will lead our conversations into some rich and unusual places.