Slow burn - Fast burn?

Where did we get the idea that every coaching session has to produce a magic ‘ah—ha’ moment? These days I meet way to may coaches in my supervision practice who seem to carry around a huge self-induced pressure to produce fireworks in every session - and if they don’t, seem to feel they have failed the client or not done it ‘right’. As a result they push through their coaching sessions without adequate exploration or creativity, in the desire to get their clients somewhere  ... anywhere.

The therapy world talks about the  idea of slow burn change vs fast burn. Fast burn change is where the client rapidly comes to a conclusion or a decision, but may be short lasting or worse, in the wrong direction.  Slow burn change is where nothing much seems to happen until one day the accumulated work precipitates a radical change without it being obvious where it came from.

To my mind, our coaching clients take many decades to get to be the rich, exciting and frustrating mix they are today and it is extreme arrogance on our part to assume that a few hours with a coach will fundamentally change them. Often our work is slow and patient, waiting for the tipping point to come.  Coaches would do well to remember they can only go at the pace of the client .. and to let themselves off the hook if each and every session is not stellar.

Happy Christmas!

Waiting for confidence to arrive

I seem to work with quite a few folks for whom 'confidence' or more accurately lack of it, seems to be a root cause. Its not unusual therefore to get into a conversation with someone about how they are held back  by their self-esteem and confidence 'issues'.

A common theme I often hear is a contingent one - 'I'll be confident when... x, y, z is true'.  Confidence will only become available to them some time in the future, and guess what, that time is always some way away. This theme is often allied with unrealistic self-expectations, and confidence seems to be associated with the need to be perfect ... 'I'll be confident when I'm perfect'.  And of course that time will never arrive for any of us.

Confidence only comes in the 'now' by accepting that you are never going to be perfect but that you are probably (already) good enough. That means taking responsibility for your state everyday and not postponing or procrastinating. As Susan Jeffers says 'Feel the fear - and do it anyway!'

Using 'provocation' in coaching - coaching skills

Just come back from an interesting talk given by Sue Knight, doyen of NLP coaching. Sue's topic was 'coaching with humour' but what she really was talking about was using provocation in coaching. Sue made a convincing case that asking the provoking question - playing  the devils advocate - should be a legitimate tool in our coaching armoury.

Clients presumably come to coaching to make some change or improvement in their lives... and that often means mixing things up a bit. A provocative question, delivered deftly with humour and a twinkle in the eye, may take clients into new territories and firm their resolve to act. "What makes you think you've got what it takes... why should anyone listen to you... how long are you willing to tolerate this?" . Tone, as you can imagine, is everything.

Like any powerful 'technique', provocation need to be used with great care, and only when there is enough rapport and relationship between coach and client. In the wrong hands, or badly timed, the provocative question could come across as uncaring or just plain rude. Sue also challenged us to think about what questions we wouldn't ask a client and therefore what limits we might be unnecessarily imposing on the work together. Provocative indeed.

T'GROW

The T'GROW model is a classic framework for coaching conversations particularly those with problem-solving flavour.  Here's an unusual presentation of the model using Prezi, an innovative alternative to Powerpoint. Enjoy!

Passion and Patience

I spent a very restful week last week, walking in the sunshine of the Amalfi coast, staying with an Italian farming family. Like many Italian farmers, Pasquale, the head of the household, is finding the going tough at the moment. However he's a man with a quiet passion ... making his own wine from his own grapes. He only makes a 1000 bottles a year ... not enough to be commercially viable... but definitely enough to treat family, friends, and the odd visitor, as well as keeping his dreams of becoming a niche producer alive.

Whilst his passion for his vines is obvious, this is also a patient man who is prepared to wait. Fine wine can't be made overnight, and it will be years, if not decades, before he sees the end product of his labours.

Pasquale got me thinking about 'passion and patience' in the context of leadership. Sadly, I meet too many without either quality, who neither stir the heart nor stay the course. The patient but passionless leader resigns themselves to a life time of work they feel nothing for, while the passionate impatient goes off like a firework, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake often as not. 

So let's hear it for the passionate patient leaders, those willing to stay the long course to deliver the things they really care about. As they say 'good things come to he (or she) who waits.'

Using SCARF to understand motivation

Sometime you come across a new model that just seems to explain so much. The SCARF model, authored by brain researcher David Rock, is a model of the basic conditions that motivate.. or demotivate... us. Without these in place we will feel some level of discomfort or disengagement, with them in place we feel energised and a sense of possibility.. motivated in other words. Here's what SCARF stands for:

S - Status: we all need to feel recognised and valued by those around us. Status might come from our position or expertise, or it might come from a simple thank you from a boss.
C - Certainty: we all need a sense that we can predict how things will turn out. Without certainty we can become stressed and unsure of ourselves
A - Autonomy : we like to feel we can make  decisions for ourselves .. think back to what it was like when someone micro-managed you
R - Relatedness: a sense of connection with those we work and live with
F - Fairness: a feeling that the decisions that affect us are made fairly, and we are getting our fair share of rewards and opportunities.

Think back to a career lo-light - which of the above were missing for you? Think back to a career hi-light chances are all five elements were present for you. A very helpful model to share with clients, particularly those experiencing difficulties and uncertainty.

If you get interested here's David talking about SCARF as a model of influence in leadership click here